I am, without a doubt, always the loudest person in the room. I talk the loudest. I laugh the loudest. Hell, I even clap the loudest. I can’t help it. In the past, I’ve tried to quiet myself. I’ve tried to pay attention to the decibel of my voice. Trust me, I never want to be that loud. Who wants to be the loud, obnoxious girl?
And then life happens, and it quiets you a little bit. My voice is still just as loud, but it’s not used as much these days. I don’t think I have less to say–I just think I’m spending more time inside my head. When you’re young, the big things are usually things that are worth discussing. You need and want your friends advice. But as you grow up, suddenly the big things are really more an internal struggle. For me, right now, it’s a little bit of an internal struggle paired with trying to process everything over the last couple months.
When I’m loud, people tell me to be quiet.
When I’m quiet, people ask me what’s wrong.
I knew going into this year that it was going to be a hard one. My husband was living away from me. I was moving away from the town I wanted to stay in forever. I was moving away from one of the best friends I’ve ever known (who later in the year moved clear across the country). Plus, odd numbered years are usually just not my best years. Silly thing to say, but it’s true. My guard was up. I told 2013 to bring it.
And bring it, it did. As the year has progressed, I found myself in the middle of a year long struggle with who I’m supposed to be to certain people. I found myself losing my footing in relationships I used to navigate with my eyes closed. My health deteriorated. These things keep me inside my head these days. I’ve been quiet. I know this. There is no instruction manual for any of this. The best I can do is try to find peace in all of it. I’m trying to learn as I walk through it all. I’m trying to stay positive.
Life isn’t kind sometimes. Bad things happen to good people–and good things happen to bad people. I have been left in a bit of a tail spin. But the sky is still blue. And chocolate chip cookies still taste good. And at the end of the day, a man walks through the back door who hugs me.
I’ve been quiet, but my voice is not lost. Everything isn’t right. And nothing is wrong.
My husband has always said I'm very loud. I don't enjoy it being too quiet because then I feel like I overthink things.
Beautiful and very introspective post!
I've always been quiet around people I don't know well. I've been accused of being snobby just because I'm quiet. When I'm with people I know, though, I'm usually pretty loud. I think it's the trait of being the oldest child.
I hope not "everything" is wrong and that you have some answers to the problems you've been having. Let me know if you need anything! I wish we could have a coffee date!
Well if you still like chocolate chip cookies then it can't be 100% bad, right?
I think as we get older, we start to realize that our problems are ours and ours alone. It's no longer acceptable to crowdsource social media for answers to anything real, so we have to spend time in our own heads. Our friends have their own issues to deal with, anyway. I think it necessitates, whether you want it or not, time to come into your own. And to me, it sounds like you are doing a lovely job navigating it. ALL of it. Hang in there, friend – at least football season is almost over 🙂
I relate to this SO MUCH! I'm definitely a loud (possibly annoying) type of person. Always the loudest talker and have plenty to say about everything. But on the days when my mind is full I can become quiet. And everybody wants to know what's wrong. You are a strong lady and you are going to make it through this year. Promise! We both will! 🙂