I can’t.

Can I admit something weird to you?  For some reason whenever I want something (whether it be a goal I want to accomplish, a piece of clothing, a certain job or even to master a certain recipe), I have this I can’t float through my head.  I see things and immediately make an excuse for why I can’t have them.  I make an excuse to not even try.

Oh, only other people get to have those things.

It’s the weirdest mentality.  And I really don’t know where it came from.  But where it really stands in my way is the whole writing bit.  I have had it in my head for as long as I can remember that while I can sit behind my desk and write all day long I’ll never get to be a real writer.  That only happens to other people.  So I let the mentality stop me.

I don’t even think it’s a matter of being worried that my writing isn’t good enough.  Because in all reality, I read enough to have seen some pretty crummy books make it onto bookshelves.  There have even been times when I’ve had to stop reading a book because even though the story was fine, I couldn’t get over the writing.

What this I can’t does to me is it stops me from ever even trying.  I haven’t sent my first manuscript off to a copy editor.  I haven’t even finished my query letter.  I haven’t called the editor at the publishing company who expressed interest.  Because why bother if I can’t. 

But why can’t I?  There is no God given reason that I shouldn’t be able to be a writer.  There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to submit portfolios to different magazines and newspapers and freelance here and there.  I am perfectly capable.

And yet that pesky I can’t buzzes around my head like a fly I can’t swat.

This all goes hand in hand with the whole letting-go-of-the-fear-to-be-yourself bit.  That’s something I’m challenging myself to lately.  That’s half the reason I started vlogging.  

I can write.  There’s no argument there, really.  My writing style might be different than mosts.  And I know there are parts of writing that I suck at (hello, grammar and tense agreement).  But that doesn’t mean I’m not a writer.

So suck it up, Jo.  And swat the damn I can’t.  Let go of the fear.