I’m having a hard time understanding how some things work out. I’d like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character. And call me naive, but once I like your character, I trust you. It’s gotten me hurt a time or two, but it’s usually worth it in the end. I’ve found some real gems, giving them my heart almost immediately.
I realize that’s strange to hear me say considering it took me five years, a couple false starts, and a lot of convincing to give it all to the guy who’s asleep in the next room. But my hesitation with him didn’t come from mistrust. No. It was because I knew I could trust him. I knew I could rely on him. And at sixteen, when the chase is half the fun, I wasn’t ready.
And then suddenly, I was.
But once we were in, we were in. Maybe it’s because we faced some serious hardship right off the bat that forced us to ask ourselves what it all meant. Were we teenagers infatuated with each other? Or were we actually falling in love. Adult love, something neither of us really understood entirely, but were certain of. I don’t know how we were so sure. We just were. (And 5.5 years into our marriage, nearly 13 years into our relationship, I think it’s safe to say we actually knew). A risk, sure. But one we were both committed to taking together.
I realize not everyone has known their spouse since they were in middle school. I realize not everyone goes through the awkward teen years together, growing into young adults, changing, growing, learning, exploring it all together. I know we’re a rare breed.
But when J popped a hypothetical question in a sub shop parking lot at seventeen, I let the question hang in the air for a moment, aware of its weight. Yes, I said. I would marry you.
Marriage is work. It’s not a diamond ring and photos on Facebook. It’s only what you put in. It ebbs. It flows. It changes. You change. But the trick is, you have to be committed to changing together. for better. for worse. for richer. for poorer. Those aren’t just words that sound good and bring tears to people’s eyes. No. Those are promises.
So what I don’t understand is when it all comes crumbling down, was it all a lie? Or did you just change your mind?
I’ve watched marriages end recently where one was all in and the other, for whatever reason, wasn’t anymore. And it just leaves me confused. So confused.
Because when it all ends, it cuts deep. It’s not just a marriage that dissolves, no. It’s a disillusionment for everyone who believed in you. Who believed you. When you trust the people you love to someone else, and then they break them, it’s hard not to feel that hurt.
What’s worse is that sometimes it isn’t about HOW it ends, but why it ended. Did you end up having to coordinate with a sex crime lawyer because they turned out to be a malignant narcissist? Did you have a marriage break down because they cheated on you? There are so many reasons a marriage breaks down and it takes time and possible legal help to get through it.
And trying to make sense of it all seems futile. Because me? Well, I trust people. And I was fooled, too. I trusted these people not to hurt the ones I love. And they’ve let me down.
So as engagement season sets into full swing, I’d like to encourage you to be sure of the promises you’re making. Of the weight of it all. Marriage is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but it’s something that has to survive on its own outside of pretty white dresses and showers. It’s a promise to spend your life with someone. People are trusting you with your beloved’s heart. Handle it with care.
This is so powerful and so true! Beautifully written!
This is really powerful and thought-provoking. As I've watched some of my friends' relationships crumble around me, I can definitely relate. At least from a spectator's point of view. Thanks for sharing.
P.S. Love the nail color.
This post is so powerful. I don't know that anyone has the answers, but I agree that people need to really think about the commitment they're making, and who they are making it to. I'm like you…when I'm in with people I'm all in-loves and friends, and Ive definitely been burned before. Without those lessons, and really learning and growing from them, I wouldn't have found my husband (or other friends) along the way.
Absolutely true. Our relationship is basically a mirror of your relationship. 12 years together, 7.5 years married. We've grown up together and helped to shape one another into who we are today. I'd be absolutely lost without him. ❤️ Thanks for this post!
Very well written, Jo. I've been married nearly 9 years and I still find myself (at times) saying – I want to give up, I'm over this. But why? I do love the idiot. Haha.
This is so true in so many ways… to much focus on the diamonds, the parties, the dresses and etc, marriage is work, but it can also be so beautiful!
Bravo lady!! People definitely need to think about what they're doing when it comes to marriage. Same goes for having kids. It's not like when you were a kid playing house. It is work and it is hard sometimes. However, I'm incredibly thankful that I have a husband who is willing to go the adventure with me. 🙂
I could not agree more!! I think people just see shiny rings and wedding planning, but dont think about the marriage that happens after everyone goes home! Marriage is work, but when you marry the right person, you go through life with your best friend that's the best thing ever! xo, Biana –BlovedBoston
Amen! I feel like more often I've seen people get into the ring & the shiny things that come with a wedding and they abandon what a marriage really, truly, deeply means. Marriage is definitely work, but it has such an amazing payoff if you give it the right love & care it needs. xo
As we are reaching year one of our marriage definitely a lot of lessons learned for sure. You are right it does have its ups and downs but at the end its about being the biggest supporter and advocate for each other!
So very true! As much as I can daydream about weddings and rings and bridesmaids, I'd panic if my boyfriend asked me right now. Not because of him, but because I have so much more growing and learning to do, in and out of my relationship. My parents have been married for 30 years now and I want my marriage to last just as long (and longer!)
And yes, you and J are a rare breed 🙂
I love this! You hit the nail on the head with saying that you must be willing to change together. Change is inevitable for everyone but the key is growing together not apart. Supporting each other in all aspects of each other's lives. Great post 🙂
Ah yes, no truer words have been spoken. Marriage is hard work, but it is also rewarding with love and partnership. I know that divorce is a common thing these days, but the truth its….it isn't really an option for me. When I said I do to Chris, I meant it. I was all in for the good days and the bad days. To see him at his best and to be there at his worst. We have had plenty of hard times in the last 6 years but you know what, it has shaped us in to who we are in our relationship now. I am not a quitter. Marriage is a serious commitment. I hate that some people don't really take it as a serious, real promise. That they can just as easily break that promise as something trivial.
Divorce is tough on all involved. We really have to do everything we can to support couples and offer help before they get to that point of no return.
Congrats on finding your person so early 😀
Love this post! I'm always left wondering what the heck happened when a marriage dissolves too. It legitimately doesn't make sense to me how you can go from promising to spend your lives together to fighting over dishes.
Thought-provoking and wonderfully written post as always!
Kat 🙂
This couldn't be more true, and you put it beautifully. I've watched people get married who seemed to only be in it for the diamonds, the parties, the dress, the over the top honeymoon etc… but I really enjoy witnessing two people make a promise to always be there for each other no matter what. Those vows are no joke! We have definitely seen our tough times, but we worked through it. My 5 and 1/2 years of marriage doesn't make me an expert, but I know that we will always continually be working towards building our life together <3
Green Fashionista
As someone who has been divorced I can relate to this so much!
How true this is and I have a feeling my sister is going to be part of the holiday engagement crowd. I'm not an expert by any means on marriage but it does take work, it takes understanding.
Happy December!
Amen!! Love this. Very well said and I think that was a great reminder.
xo,
Sara Kate Styling
This is so powerful. We live in a society where 1 in 4 marriages end in divorce – which makes me sad, and also makes me think that they did not ask themselves those questions. Sure, there are things that happen that make staying together difficult – and I do support divorce. I just wonder why it is so common?!
Divorce is so painful and hard for the people going through it, and it's hard to watch people we love go through them. I've been watching a marriage that appears to be perfect from the outside but I know that it's not. It's so easy to fool those outside of the relationship in to thinking things are going well when they aren't. And so many friends are fooled by this marriage and it makes my heart hurt for the people in it, because by not telling the truth they aren't getting the support someone above mentioned. People think they have to only show others the good, but honestly showing the bad is what makes relationships, both friendships and romantic, stronger.
So, I've had a couple of friends (more like acquaintances) who dated their spouse for a significant time, had big weddings and then were divorced within 1-2 years. And I just don't get it. One girl said they just grew apart and they would spend their evenings sitting on the couch, her playing on her phone and him watching TV. I thought to myself, well yeah! Of course you are gonna grow apart if you don't work on your marriage. Put down your phone, turn the TV off and have a real conversation!
It just really ticks me off that they wasted so much time, effort and money on a relationship and a wedding to call it quits and not even try to work on it!
So so true!!
I can relate to falling in love young. My husband and I have loved each other for over 10 years and I'm only 25. I never thought I'd get married young, but we just fit together and now I couldn't image my life any other way. But it is disheartening when people you care about have their hearts broken. I believe everything that happens in life is there to teach a lesson, but divorce leaves me wondering what lesson was supposed to be learned?
lovely post girl, and love that you all met so early and got to grow up and be all awkward together. i truly think if a relationship or marriage isn't working, it needs to end. no point staying together if you're not both in, you know? it's unfair on all involved. that being said.. if people didn't rush into things and get swept up in wanting to get married for the sake of being married and not because they want to spend the rest of their lives together, we'd probably have less divorces lol. my friend is in an awful marriage and she refuses to leave her husband, even though he is abusive in all senses of the word, she doesn't love him and has cheated on him. but she doesn't want to be the one who gets the divorce, because of how people will judge her. screw that. what a miserable life. oh, and they have a kid. so, yeah. i would be a completely different (horrible) person if my parents had stayed together, that's for sure. i wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Um yes. Marriage is NOT a wedding. It is not a pretty picture posted on Facebook or a section on your blog. It is the good, bad, and indifferent.
And marriage is sitting on the couch together watching t.v., etc. You can date your spouse, sure, but marriage is not dating and I think that's why a lot of couples give up; it's not exciting enough for them.
Could not have said it any better. Marriage is work. It's not a hobby you drop after a few unsuccessful tries. On FB I dont even share anything about my husband and I. I didn't get married so my status update will look more appealing. Haha. Couples these days give up way too fast, or act way too fast and then it crumbles. 🙁