It was March of 2014, and I was in the middle of the first round of revisions on the novel I’d written five years earlier.
After a long day buried in my own words, I found retreat on the couch, my nose tucked in a book. I read furiously, lost in the world created by a writer much more talented than I. Hours later, I finished the book and proceeded to have a mental breakdown.
I locked myself in my bedroom, sobbing hysterically, and furiously texting Myra.
I woke up the next morning with a feeling of dread. At a crossroads, I had a big choice to make. The book had been shoved in closets, tucked in drawers and generally ignored for the better part of 5 years, so why did I feel so attached to it?
You see, I got caught in the comparison trap. For days, days I was convinced it was time to let it all go. I couldn’t do it. I’d never be good enough. Quitting, I told myself, would hurt less than failing.
It’s hard, though, to remember the behind-the-scenes work when you’re looking at someone’s finished product. Foolishly, I was convinced all these writers I so admired cranked out pure gold all the time.
It took some time. I filled those days with a lot of tears, wine, and chocolate, contemplating what my life would look like without writing.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let it go. It was then that I wrestled with the fact that if I couldn’t, in fact, let it all go, that it meant I had to do something about it.
I danced dangerously close to the line of giving it all up in the name of comparison and envy. Instead, I used it. I let that feeling sink in, fueling me.
We let ourselves confuse admiration with jealousy and comparison. If you let yourself admire someone rather than compare yourself to them, you’ll find a whole different brand of energy there.
Comparison is definitely an ugly thing and I find myself falling into the same trap, but it can definitely make you better when you understand what is happening.
This is why they say that comparison is the thief of joy!!
Girl, PREACH. I love this perspective. There's definitely a place for it and it can be a huge motivator if viewed in the right way!
I loved this! We all fall prey to comparing ourselves to others, but it never serves us well . . . we are neither better or worse, just different!
you go girl. good for you for turning the tables and making it work for you.
I love this post! I've always felt insufficient when comparing my work to others, but for the first time (at least in a while) I find myself saying "why not me?" and looking for reasons to give myself a shot, rather than cutting myself off before I even start.
Thanks for putting this out there. I do the same thing with my writing. Right now I am reading Gillian Flynn and admiring how she is able to set up a scene with a few words where I ramble. I am admiring and learning from her although I have to squeeze down the feelings of jealousy that would rise up in me if I let myself compare.
Happy writing to you.
That idea of not confusing someone's end product with your process is a hard one to grasp. It's a giant truthbomb that I struggle with. Thank you once again for speaking straight to my soul. I swear we are on parallel tracks.
That idea of not confusing someone's end product with your process is a hard one to grasp. It's a giant truthbomb that I struggle with. Thank you once again for speaking straight to my soul. I swear we are on parallel tracks.