It was late summer 2017. My heart was pulsing so hard in my throat I thought it might choke me. You need to take a break, my best friend said to me on the phone. She was using her former retail manager voice, and my instincts said to obey. But I knew I couldn’t.
That’s impossible, I told her through hysterics. There’s no way. I cried harder, defeat threatening. Trapped.
That’s not okay. You’re not okay.
Yeah, no kidding. She was right. That wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay. I’d worked myself into the ground. I’d yessed my way into a miserable life. People pleasing: my poison of choice put me on the fast track to a breakdown. I’d done this to myself. And something I’ve discovered as a recovering boundaryless people pleaser is that I am definitely not alone.
Like a secret, underground misery breeding fight club, we’re all suffering and no one talks about it. And because we’re all programmed to be FINE, OMG SO FINE, shutting down the charade and admitting that we’re having a hard time feels impossible. So if you’re teetering on the edge, you might be relieved to hear that fixing this issue can be as basic as implementing some strategic boundaries. So, let’s chat about the tell-tell signs that you may need some boundaries.
How do you know if you need boundaries?
You’re feeling overwhelmed
Chances are you have a lot on your plate. And that’s totally fine! In many cases, it’s a wonderful sign of growth–whether you’re a business owner, a committed employee, or a woman in charge at home. But if you start to feel overwhelmed, that’s a sign that you need to implement a boundary or two.
Boundaries, in most cases, offer structure. They allow for you to live your life and operate your business within healthy perimeters that protect your wellbeing. So feeling overwhelmed can tell you a few things:
- You need to have a heart to heart with yourself to get real about your capacity.
- You need to introduce more specific structure to your day to offer you the appropriate amount of time necessary to focus in on your tasks at hand.
- You need to get very specific about what you should and should not take on.
You feel resentful
This one is my personal boundary compass. I tend to yes my way into things to seem accommodating but then I immediately regret my choice. And then I’m met with my good friend resentment. This taught me that I needed to get real clear on a few things:
- I needed to come to terms with why I felt compelled to agree to things that I didn’t actually want to do.
- I needed to get comfortable with the graceful letdown.
- I needed to learn not to just pipe up and take on responsibility for things just because.
You feel out of control
When things start to feel like they’re out of your hands in your own life, that’s a clear sign that boundaries are necessary. You are 100% in charge of everything that comes into and out of your life. Sure, we all encounter things we’d rather not–but those things come our way based on decisions we’ve made. I don’t always love that I can’t force my husband not to fall asleep on the couch each night–but I chose to marry him, so… 😉 (Jokes, but really–you get my point).
If things are feeling completely out of control, that’s a good sign you need to introduce some boundaries. You should be able to live your life each day on offense, not on defense.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these signs?
Acknowledging the need for boundaries is a huge first step. I know I lived in a state of denial for a really long time because once I knew I needed boundaries, that meant I needed to learn how to implement them. If that’s you, and you’re feeling a little lost, get in touch. I offer boundary coaching, and your first 30-minute session is free!
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