Listen, I feel like from the moment those two lines appear, everyone and their mother has something to say to you about sleep. Get it while you can. You’ll never sleep again. Yada. Yada. Yada. I’ll be honest, one of the reasons we took our time deciding to have a family (11 years) was because I know myself well enough to know that I just don’t function well on little sleep. I struggled for years, years as a new adult with sleep. I don’t know what the issue was exactly, but from about 23 to 26, I sucked at sleeping. So when I finally got that under control, I thought right — I can’t do anything that’s going to mess this up.
So when we did finally decide to start a family, I started my research. And if you know me at all, you know my researching skills are pretty remarkable. (Let this be a warning to you, I can uncover just about any piece of information… ::sinister laugh::)
There is so much information out there about baby sleep. Like…so much. And the more I researched, the more I realized it all kind of contradicted itself. It became clear early on that I would have to get clear about my goals but flexible about the methods. It was imperative to me, though, that I didn’t do anything I was uncomfortable with. Now, I will put out this disclaimer: the majority of my research took place during my pregnancy. It’s cute that we think we know who we are going to be as parents. We do not. I could not comprehend how much I would change or how much my instincts would rule all once our son entered the world. That being said; the approach I initially landed on is the one we stayed with throughout his infancy. It aligned with my values pre-parenting and remained in alignment once the mama bear was unleashed.
Sleep training a baby
I opted for the Taking Cara Babies Will I Ever Sleep Again course which focuses on newborn sleep. She has an option to bundle the first five months course with the newborn course — I didn’t do that. I only purchased the newborn course. And I will say this: what we learned in that course saved us in the beginning. It’s been a long time since I took that course, so I don’t remember specifics from it, which is probably for the best since I’m not allowed to share those anyway. But I do remember what we did for the most part, and that I can share.
Our approach to newborn sleep
This is what we did 0-3 months that set us up to still have successful sleep at almost 3 years old. Our main goal was that we wanted our son to be a great independent sleeper. Pre-parenting, I wasn’t necessarily opposed to the cry it out method, but I did find that by implementing what we learned from the Taking Cara Babies course, that approach just wasn’t necessary in our journey.
Focus on routine, not schedule
This is something that we still rely on to this day, and my son is 3 months shy of 3 years old. It was imperative to me in the beginning to get our newborn on a “day time” and “night time” regimen. The thing is, for those first few months of their lives, their days and nights don’t really look all that different unless you make them look different. We set up an “evening routine” that we still use to this day. These cues signal to our son’s body that hey, it’s time to slow down, relax, power down. Before his first block of evening sleep, we did bath, bottle bed. That first stretch is usually the longest block of sleep you’ll get, so it was important to us that we do everything we can to set him up for success with that.
We followed wake windows pretty closely during the day. Then we’d cue up the evening with that routine.
The S’s
Another thing we did to cue up the evening was implement the 5 Ss. It sounds silly, but it’s legit magically. We’d swaddle our son, offer him a pacifier to suck, position him in our ours facing outward on his side or down on his stomach, and swing. The first few times we tried this, it felt a little like learning new choreography. But after a few tries, it becomes second nature. This is how we would get our son into that drowsy but not asleep state that everyone talks so much about. It also does wonders for soothing a very angry newborn into submission.
How we approached night feedings
I have a Fitbit Versa, and that little sucker came in super handy during the newborn stage. I’d set alarms on my watch for the appropriate feeding times. My watch would vibrate to wake me which was great because it didn’t disturb the baby who was sleeping in a bassinet by our bed. I’d un-swaddle him and pull him into the bed with me to feed him (careful not to fall back to sleep myself). Often times, he wouldn’t even really wake up. Once he was finished, I’d quickly change his diaper, re-swaddle him and place him back in the bassinet. We had one of those mechanical bassinets (this one) that had vibration and swinging settings. This was an absolute must-have for us. He’d usually go right back to sleep not problem.
In fact, I found our newborn sleep to be the most predictable. I also got significantly better sleep during the newborn stage than I did in the 3rd trimester. Because I had the Fitbit, I was able to track my sleep and that was critical for me.
Employ The Pause
This is something we started as a newborn but still employ to this day. And I swear to you, it’s one of the most significant reasons we have a great sleeper. First of all, newborns are notoriously loud sleepers. I don’t know why, but hot damn they make a lot of noise. It’s so critical that you give yourself a second to process the noise that woke you before you disturb the baby. From experience, I can tell you, accidentally disturbing a sound-asleep newborn who was just making typical newborn asleep noises is not fun. Getting a baby back to sleep after that is a herculean effort. 0/10 stars, would not recommend.
Even to this day, with our toddler, we pause. We give it about 5 minutes (tops) before making a judgement call. Depending on the situation, 5 minutes might seem like a lifetime or not enough time at all — whatever side of the coin you fall on in any given moment, understand, 5 minutes is enough.
Please, if you take nothing else from this blog post, employ the pause. It’ll save your sanity and your sleep.
Tackling months 4-9; a whole different ballgame
While how we approached sleep in the newborn phase still serves us to this day, I would be remiss if I didn’t address what I like to call the lost months. Primarily because…well, we lost a lot of sleep from month 4-9. The regressions are a real b*tch, to be honest. And of course, I was back to work in the office at this point so that made things extra delightful. One thing I did during this time, which I can’t say I recommend but it did work, was I took to eventually just sleeping in the crib with him at some point in through the night.
I finally got it during this time how co-sleeping becomes such a thing for families. But I didn’t want to fall into the trap of never being able to break the habit once I started it, so that’s why I opted to sleep in his crib. My theory was, I only ever ended up in the crib during particularly rough nights. And once he was over the rough patch, nothing would change on his front. He would go to bed in his own bed. He would wake up in his own bed. I usually only spent a couple hours in the wee hours of the night in the crib with him — and thanks to my Fitbit alarm, I was able to get up and get ready for work without disturbing him. I am sure there are like…a thousand reasons you shouldn’t do this. But listen, months 4-9 are the wild wild west. And you gotta do whatever you can to survive, especially if you’re expected to function as a professional for 8 hours the next day.
You’ve heard this a million times already, I’m sure. But every baby is different. Along with that, every parent is different. What was comfortable for me might not be for you. I am a fairly anxious person who absolutely needs sleep in order to survive the day and this approach saved my sanity in that first year.
We still approach naps and bedtime the same way: employing the proper “wake windows” (which aren’t actually called wake windows past a year old, apparently, but they still sort of apply which is confusing but whatever) and relying on routine. Our son knows the cues for nap time and will often either initiate it himself or fall right into the rhythm if we start the process. Same with bedtime. He knows the cues and his body follows suit.
I hope this blog post has helped you in some way as you navigate into the world of baby sleep! Happy to offer support or just solidarity if you need it! If you have a method you’ve used that you swear by, share it in the comments below so we can continue to support other mamas in this season of life!
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