I had a teacher in the 8th grade who had a list of words and phrases up on his wall that we weren’t allowed to use. I remember walking into homeroom on the first day of school and being totally confused about why the phrase “I’m sorry” made it to the wall. The phrases “my bad” and “I can’t” and words like “uhm” made perfect sense to me. But “I’m sorry?”
You see, I grew up understanding “I’m sorry” to be polite. I was under the impression it was a good phrase to use. I honestly thought it was mistake. So, I raised my hand.
“Mr. Thomas, do you realize you have “I’m sorry” under the phrases we shouldn’t use?”
Now, you need to know a few things about Mr. Thomas. First of all, we was very theatrical. And secondly, he didn’t take any shit. Ever.
He rolled his eyes, perched his hand on his hip, and replied boisterously, “Of course I do.”
Shocked and confused, I argued. “Why on earth aren’t we allowed to say we’re sorry? What if we make a mistake?”
Just then, a playful smile danced across his face. “If you make a mistake, I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry. I want you to fix it.”
How to stop saying “I’m sorry”
So, I’m now in my thirties. It’s been nearly two decades since I sat in Mr. Thomas’s homeroom. But to this day, I still think twice before saying “I’m sorry.” I’m compelled to say it all the time. As a freelance writer often assigned to display other people’s expertise, it’s not uncommon for there to be some back and forth on a piece. Heck, I’m usually writing about things I don’t know anything about, so collaboration with my clients is crucial. But on occasion, I’ll miss something or they’ll have forgotten to share an important piece of information. When those messages come through, I have to stop my fingers from typing I’m sorry. Instead, I just make the correction and reply with the updated content.
So, instead of wasting time apologizing, I fix it.
In fact, I was once put on a project in a former job where I needed to provide constructive feedback examples for employee reviews. And apologizing was one of the categories for feedback. What people don’t realize is that apologizing doesn’t often have the impact you’re hoping it’ll have. Instead, it’s much more powerful to take a positive active approach.
Alternatives to apologizing
Whether in work or in your personal life, there are countless interactions a day that might leave you feeling like you need to apologize. I paid attention to a few of those interactions in the last few weeks for myself, and here are just a few in which I felt the urge to apologize:
- I entered a door a stranger held open for me
- I asked a cashier which button to push to opt for “credit” instead of “debit”
- I had to pass someone in an aisle at Walmart
- Instructions were unclear so I had to ask for more information
- I made a mistake and my husband pointed it out to me
Those are just a few. Even as someone who tries to pay attention to how often I’m apologizing, I find myself in the trap often. It happens even more so now that I’m existing in the world with a wild toddler in tow.
Instead of saying I’m sorry, look for the positive alternative which is often appreciation for the grace you’ve been extended. For instance: if you’re running a few minutes late and your friend or colleague is left waiting for you, instead of apologizing when you arrive, thank them for their patience. Let’s take a look at the interactions I just mentioned earlier and find the alternative to “I’m sorry.”
- I appreciate you.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you for providing this information. I’m still unclear on xyz, please expand on this.
- Thanks for catching that! Or “Good catch!”
Breaking the apologizing addiction is a tough one. We’ve just become so accustomed to apologizing for simply existing in the world. I’m thankful to that wacky 8th grade teacher for putting this on my radar all those years ago!
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