by Joey | Jul 26, 2024 | Joyful by Design
*Disclaimer
I originally wrote this blog post in the spring of 2018. I finally feel brave enough today to share it. Be kind. And if you know someone struggling, I hope you feel inspired to reach out and encourage them.
Okay, wait. Slow down. Tell me more about that. Why would you take it upon yourself to try to fix or handle things for other people when it wasn’t your responsibility? I sat in silence staring at the counselor for a moment, trying to compose myself enough to answer her question.
I guess because I don’t ever want them to feel the way I’ve felt before.
And how’s that? How have you felt before?
…Alone.
It was only a few weeks earlier that I called my best friend at 10 PM in tears. Okay, I conceded. You win. I think it’s time to go to counseling. I’d sat staring at a blank screen with a blinking cursor one too many times, and I couldn’t take it anymore. When God presses into your last and most important outlet, you finally listen.
I’ve mentioned before it’s been a rough few years. And when I found myself in the middle of a nervous breakdown as 2017 came to a close, one of my closest friends pushed and pushed. I really think you should talk to someone. I didn’t want to hear it. It hurt to hear her say those words; for her to assume I couldn’t handle things on my own. I’m fine. I can do this myself. I don’t need any help. I’m fine.
Despite my claims, everything started to feel really heavy. Too heavy. Bigger than me. And when God took away my words, I knew it was time.
Setting up the first appointment was the hardest part. I’d never been to counseling before. I had a lot of respect for anyone who got help when they needed it–but that wasn’t me. Wasn’t I strong enough to deal with things on my own? I could handle whatever life had to throw at me. My life isn’t that hard. Was I admitting defeat if I sat on a couch and cried to a stranger? Did that make me weak? I wrestled with all the internal thoughts for months. Everyone close to me insisted it was time.
You’ve been through a lot, they all said. Big things. Messy things. It’s okay to ask for help.
But I don’t ask for help. That’s not in my nature. I take care of people. I do all the things always. That’s who I am. What did it mean that I couldn’t do this on my own?
But I swallowed my pride, and I told myself if I was going to do this, I was going to do it. I promised myself I’d show up, be vulnerable, and that I’d be open to the process.
I didn’t know what to expect. I certainly didn’t expect to have my heart cracked open and my perspective shattered. Session after session, my heart started to find relief; peace. So much has happened, things I’ve agonized over. Things I could have done better; things I should have done better. Things I had no idea how to walk through, not on my own.
Weirdly enough, I once heard Life Coach Jay Pryor on an episode of the Being Boss Podcast share his mantra on things like that, and it’s stuck with me. He confessed he’d tell himself It’s okay, you’ve never done this before.
I’d never lost a parent before. I’d never started a company or dissolved a partnership before. I’d never been a caretaker for a parent after major surgery before. And I’d never completely lost myself before.
It’s funny to think that there’s beauty in the brokenness. But there really is something beautiful in what you can learn about grace when you’re face down in the dirt. Life knocks us all down at times. What kicks my knees out from under me may not be the same for you. But the feeling is all the same. Brokenness is brokenness.
I don’t think I’m alone in my initial mission to keep my head down and trudge forward no matter what life threw at me. I know I’m not alone in my I-can-do-this-myself way of thinking. And I’m sure others subscribe to the theory that asking for help is a sign of defeat.
But it was never God’s intent for us to go through life alone. That’s why he made Eve for Adam. And the irony isn’t lost on me that I found my way to counseling through the support of those who love me, when what I needed most to rectify was that feeling of being alone. Alone in life. Alone in business. Alone in all the things that scared me into panic attacks in the dark of night.
Your love language is acts of service, my counselor observed. But when do you give those who love you the most the opportunity to serve you? They can’t if you do it all yourself.
Touché.
I don’t know what you may be struggling with right now, but I do know you don’t have to go through it alone. I realize we all have different thresholds for brokenness. And what might feel heavy for me may be a cake walk for you. But if you keep trying to push away the nagging maybe I should talk to someone thought, know there’s no shame in getting help. Seeking counsel is often times the best thing you can do for yourself, the best way to give yourself a shot at staying afloat.
In 2018, there were many hurdles that kept me from getting the help I needed. Back then, my only real option was to find a counselor, commute there and sit face-to-face. I used those hurdles as excuses for far too long. Thankfully today, online counseling is more widely available.
I hope if you are struggling, that you’re braver than I was initially and seek the help available to you.
by Joey | Jul 23, 2024 | Advice
*Disclaimer
I had a teacher in the 8th grade who had a list of words and phrases up on his wall that we weren’t allowed to use. I remember walking into homeroom on the first day of school and being totally confused about why the phrase “I’m sorry” made it to the wall. The phrases “my bad” and “I can’t” and words like “uhm” made perfect sense to me. But “I’m sorry?”
You see, I grew up understanding “I’m sorry” to be polite. I was under the impression it was a good phrase to use. I honestly thought it was mistake. So, I raised my hand.
“Mr. Thomas, do you realize you have “I’m sorry” under the phrases we shouldn’t use?”
Now, you need to know a few things about Mr. Thomas. First of all, we was very theatrical. And secondly, he didn’t take any shit. Ever.
He rolled his eyes, perched his hand on his hip, and replied boisterously, “Of course I do.”
Shocked and confused, I argued. “Why on earth aren’t we allowed to say we’re sorry? What if we make a mistake?”
Just then, a playful smile danced across his face. “If you make a mistake, I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry. I want you to fix it.”
How to stop saying “I’m sorry”
So, I’m now in my thirties. It’s been nearly two decades since I sat in Mr. Thomas’s homeroom. But to this day, I still think twice before saying “I’m sorry.” I’m compelled to say it all the time. As a freelance writer often assigned to display other people’s expertise, it’s not uncommon for there to be some back and forth on a piece. Heck, I’m usually writing about things I don’t know anything about, so collaboration with my clients is crucial. But on occasion, I’ll miss something or they’ll have forgotten to share an important piece of information. When those messages come through, I have to stop my fingers from typing I’m sorry. Instead, I just make the correction and reply with the updated content.
So, instead of wasting time apologizing, I fix it.
In fact, I was once put on a project in a former job where I needed to provide constructive feedback examples for employee reviews. And apologizing was one of the categories for feedback. What people don’t realize is that apologizing doesn’t often have the impact you’re hoping it’ll have. Instead, it’s much more powerful to take a positive active approach.
Alternatives to apologizing
Whether in work or in your personal life, there are countless interactions a day that might leave you feeling like you need to apologize. I paid attention to a few of those interactions in the last few weeks for myself, and here are just a few in which I felt the urge to apologize:
- I entered a door a stranger held open for me
- I asked a cashier which button to push to opt for “credit” instead of “debit”
- I had to pass someone in an aisle at Walmart
- Instructions were unclear so I had to ask for more information
- I made a mistake and my husband pointed it out to me
Those are just a few. Even as someone who tries to pay attention to how often I’m apologizing, I find myself in the trap often. It happens even more so now that I’m existing in the world with a wild toddler in tow.
Instead of saying I’m sorry, look for the positive alternative which is often appreciation for the grace you’ve been extended. For instance: if you’re running a few minutes late and your friend or colleague is left waiting for you, instead of apologizing when you arrive, thank them for their patience. Let’s take a look at the interactions I just mentioned earlier and find the alternative to “I’m sorry.”
- I appreciate you.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you for providing this information. I’m still unclear on xyz, please expand on this.
- Thanks for catching that! Or “Good catch!”
Breaking the apologizing addiction is a tough one. We’ve just become so accustomed to apologizing for simply existing in the world. I’m thankful to that wacky 8th grade teacher for putting this on my radar all those years ago!
by Joey | Jul 22, 2024 | Mom stuff
*Disclaimer
Listen, I feel like from the moment those two lines appear, everyone and their mother has something to say to you about sleep. Get it while you can. You’ll never sleep again. Yada. Yada. Yada. I’ll be honest, one of the reasons we took our time deciding to have a family (11 years) was because I know myself well enough to know that I just don’t function well on little sleep. I struggled for years, years as a new adult with sleep. I don’t know what the issue was exactly, but from about 23 to 26, I sucked at sleeping. So when I finally got that under control, I thought right — I can’t do anything that’s going to mess this up.
So when we did finally decide to start a family, I started my research. And if you know me at all, you know my researching skills are pretty remarkable. (Let this be a warning to you, I can uncover just about any piece of information… ::sinister laugh::)
There is so much information out there about baby sleep. Like…so much. And the more I researched, the more I realized it all kind of contradicted itself. It became clear early on that I would have to get clear about my goals but flexible about the methods. It was imperative to me, though, that I didn’t do anything I was uncomfortable with. Now, I will put out this disclaimer: the majority of my research took place during my pregnancy. It’s cute that we think we know who we are going to be as parents. We do not. I could not comprehend how much I would change or how much my instincts would rule all once our son entered the world. That being said; the approach I initially landed on is the one we stayed with throughout his infancy. It aligned with my values pre-parenting and remained in alignment once the mama bear was unleashed.
Sleep training a baby
I opted for the Taking Cara Babies Will I Ever Sleep Again course which focuses on newborn sleep. She has an option to bundle the first five months course with the newborn course — I didn’t do that. I only purchased the newborn course. And I will say this: what we learned in that course saved us in the beginning. It’s been a long time since I took that course, so I don’t remember specifics from it, which is probably for the best since I’m not allowed to share those anyway. But I do remember what we did for the most part, and that I can share.
Our approach to newborn sleep
This is what we did 0-3 months that set us up to still have successful sleep at almost 3 years old. Our main goal was that we wanted our son to be a great independent sleeper. Pre-parenting, I wasn’t necessarily opposed to the cry it out method, but I did find that by implementing what we learned from the Taking Cara Babies course, that approach just wasn’t necessary in our journey.
Focus on routine, not schedule
This is something that we still rely on to this day, and my son is 3 months shy of 3 years old. It was imperative to me in the beginning to get our newborn on a “day time” and “night time” regimen. The thing is, for those first few months of their lives, their days and nights don’t really look all that different unless you make them look different. We set up an “evening routine” that we still use to this day. These cues signal to our son’s body that hey, it’s time to slow down, relax, power down. Before his first block of evening sleep, we did bath, bottle bed. That first stretch is usually the longest block of sleep you’ll get, so it was important to us that we do everything we can to set him up for success with that.
We followed wake windows pretty closely during the day. Then we’d cue up the evening with that routine.
The S’s
Another thing we did to cue up the evening was implement the 5 Ss. It sounds silly, but it’s legit magically. We’d swaddle our son, offer him a pacifier to suck, position him in our ours facing outward on his side or down on his stomach, and swing. The first few times we tried this, it felt a little like learning new choreography. But after a few tries, it becomes second nature. This is how we would get our son into that drowsy but not asleep state that everyone talks so much about. It also does wonders for soothing a very angry newborn into submission.
How we approached night feedings
I have a Fitbit Versa, and that little sucker came in super handy during the newborn stage. I’d set alarms on my watch for the appropriate feeding times. My watch would vibrate to wake me which was great because it didn’t disturb the baby who was sleeping in a bassinet by our bed. I’d un-swaddle him and pull him into the bed with me to feed him (careful not to fall back to sleep myself). Often times, he wouldn’t even really wake up. Once he was finished, I’d quickly change his diaper, re-swaddle him and place him back in the bassinet. We had one of those mechanical bassinets (this one) that had vibration and swinging settings. This was an absolute must-have for us. He’d usually go right back to sleep not problem.
In fact, I found our newborn sleep to be the most predictable. I also got significantly better sleep during the newborn stage than I did in the 3rd trimester. Because I had the Fitbit, I was able to track my sleep and that was critical for me.
Employ The Pause
This is something we started as a newborn but still employ to this day. And I swear to you, it’s one of the most significant reasons we have a great sleeper. First of all, newborns are notoriously loud sleepers. I don’t know why, but hot damn they make a lot of noise. It’s so critical that you give yourself a second to process the noise that woke you before you disturb the baby. From experience, I can tell you, accidentally disturbing a sound-asleep newborn who was just making typical newborn asleep noises is not fun. Getting a baby back to sleep after that is a herculean effort. 0/10 stars, would not recommend.
Even to this day, with our toddler, we pause. We give it about 5 minutes (tops) before making a judgement call. Depending on the situation, 5 minutes might seem like a lifetime or not enough time at all — whatever side of the coin you fall on in any given moment, understand, 5 minutes is enough.
Please, if you take nothing else from this blog post, employ the pause. It’ll save your sanity and your sleep.
Tackling months 4-9; a whole different ballgame
While how we approached sleep in the newborn phase still serves us to this day, I would be remiss if I didn’t address what I like to call the lost months. Primarily because…well, we lost a lot of sleep from month 4-9. The regressions are a real b*tch, to be honest. And of course, I was back to work in the office at this point so that made things extra delightful. One thing I did during this time, which I can’t say I recommend but it did work, was I took to eventually just sleeping in the crib with him at some point in through the night.
I finally got it during this time how co-sleeping becomes such a thing for families. But I didn’t want to fall into the trap of never being able to break the habit once I started it, so that’s why I opted to sleep in his crib. My theory was, I only ever ended up in the crib during particularly rough nights. And once he was over the rough patch, nothing would change on his front. He would go to bed in his own bed. He would wake up in his own bed. I usually only spent a couple hours in the wee hours of the night in the crib with him — and thanks to my Fitbit alarm, I was able to get up and get ready for work without disturbing him. I am sure there are like…a thousand reasons you shouldn’t do this. But listen, months 4-9 are the wild wild west. And you gotta do whatever you can to survive, especially if you’re expected to function as a professional for 8 hours the next day.
You’ve heard this a million times already, I’m sure. But every baby is different. Along with that, every parent is different. What was comfortable for me might not be for you. I am a fairly anxious person who absolutely needs sleep in order to survive the day and this approach saved my sanity in that first year.
We still approach naps and bedtime the same way: employing the proper “wake windows” (which aren’t actually called wake windows past a year old, apparently, but they still sort of apply which is confusing but whatever) and relying on routine. Our son knows the cues for nap time and will often either initiate it himself or fall right into the rhythm if we start the process. Same with bedtime. He knows the cues and his body follows suit.
I hope this blog post has helped you in some way as you navigate into the world of baby sleep! Happy to offer support or just solidarity if you need it! If you have a method you’ve used that you swear by, share it in the comments below so we can continue to support other mamas in this season of life!
by Joey | Jul 17, 2024 | Writing
*Disclaimer
There are so many reasons choosing Amazon is such a great option for self-publishing. There are also so many reasons why you may not want to exclusively distribute through Amazon. This topic can get a little overwhelming. So much, in fact, that I’ve had to navigate into these waters cautiously because I have a tendency to get paralyzed into inaction when inundated. So let me throw out a few disclaimers right off the bat.
- There are a million and one ways (not literally, though maybe?) to go about selling your books. These are just a few ways I’ve explored and/or have experience with.
- There is no one right or wrong way, just like when it comes to how you write a book.
How to sell your self-published book outside of Amazon?
As many of you know, the first several years as a published author, I didn’t really embody the role. In fact, Yeah, maybe only existed as an e-book, available on Kindle until 2018. I don’t know what prompted me to finally release the book in paperback, but I did (and it wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be). This was my first expedition into the world of selling my own books. How? Well, let’s get into that.
Sell your books on your website
While Amazon is a print-on-demand publisher, they do offer the option to purchase author copies. This, my friends, is your inventory. I opted to do autographed “pre-orders” when I released the paperback. I use quotations because pre-orders for print with Amazon doesn’t actually exist. I basically circumvented the system by “publishing” the book in Amazon, ordering the author copies I needed, reverted the book back to a draft then re-releasing it after all of my pre-orders had been sent out.
How do you sell them on your website? Great question. I have a self-hosted site with a woo-commerce integration (which is free). You may opt to host your site on Squarespace and integrate their payment processor. Shopify is a good option, too. Wix and Weebly also have payment processors. Essentially, no matter which platform you opt for, there’s a way for you to integrate a “shop” within your site.
Pre-orders are an excellent way, too, to generate some income before the book is released to help front the cost associated with launching.
Selling, in general, on your site has its pros and cons. With Amazon, they manage the “inventory” and deal with the shipping but your royalty is considerably less. When you sell from your own site, while you may set your price differently (since it’s an autographed copy), you also have to account for your cost of the production: wholesale, shipping to you and shipping to the buyer.
Sell your books at in-person vendor events and book conventions
This is something I’ve only just recently started doing. And it’s definitely, in my opinion, the most fun way to sell books. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always exciting to see a sale come through. But to be face-to-face with the person choosing to take a chance on you is pretty magical. As authors, we write. That doesn’t necessarily mean we’re business minded. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars for my time in the creative entrepreneur world to prepare me for this season of my life.
So, how do you sell books in person? It’s not as complicated as we like to make things. There are several options you can employ with little tech knowledge, like printing your Venmo or PayPal QR codes. That’s what I did at my last vendor event. Moving forward, though, I’d like to take things up a notch and be able to take credit card payments straight from my phone. There are a number of ways to do this and plenty of services that make it easy. The one you’re all probably most familiar with is Square, but there are lots out there, so do your research to find the one that you like the most. You may need to have a little tech knowledge (like understanding api for payment processing), but most providers have simple to understand instructions.
Sell books at indie bookstores or other independent retailers
While it’s not necessarily impossible to get stocked at one of the larger retailers as an Amazon self-published author, it is a little tricky. Understandably, a big retailer isn’t going to be super keen on buying inventory from a competitor, even at wholesale pricing. If you’re looking to get stocked at your Barnes & Nobles and Book-A-Millions of the world, you may want to consider “going wide” through IngramSpark (that’s next on my list).
However, many indie bookstores are happy to work with indie authors. In my experience, this typically operates as consignment. What that means is you offer the agreed number of books, some retailers may charge a shelving fee, but you will be paid for any copies they sell. Not on indie retailers work this way, but that’s been my experience so far.
Don’t limit yourself by thinking as an Amazon self-published author you can only sell on Amazon. That’s simply just not true. While there are plenty of benefits of going wide with IngramSpark, Amazon offers such a great way to start as an author. If you decide to navigate into the world of selling your own books and find you have questions, don’t hesitate to reach out. I love helping others get their start! What else is all this random knowledge and experience good for, after all? 🙃
by Joey | Jul 10, 2024 | Creative Entrepreneur
So, you want to start your own business. Maybe you already have a few ideas swirling around, or maybe it just seems appealing for you to be your own boss. Regardless, you’re curious how to make this thing happen.
If you ask me, entrepreneurs are the best kind of people. They’re smart and resourceful and always down to try something new. It can be scary to dive into the world of entrepreneurship since there’s a good deal of risk and unknown involved. But I’m hoping to help take some of that unknown out of the equation today.
When I started my first company in 2016, I knew nothing about starting or running my own business. I just knew I couldn’t keep ignoring the passion burning deep within to use my skills and talents to help other businesses. So I spent a lot of time researching and learning. Life, of course, took a few twists and turns since then. But let me tell you, I’m so grateful for this knowledge now that I’m thrown back into the entrepreneurship world since everything went down last year.
Here’s what I know about getting started.
How to start a business
Getting Legal:
You need to determine which legal structure is best for your business: Sole Proprietorship, Partnership, Limited Liability Company, corporation, S-corp.
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Sole Proprietorship: the simplest and most common structure chosen to start a business. It is an unincorporated business owned and run by one individual with no distinction between the business and the owner. You are entitled to all profits and are responsible for all your business’s debts, losses and liabilities.
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Partnership: a single business where two or more people share ownership. Each partner contributes to all aspects of the business, including money, property, labor or skill. In return, each partner shares in the profits and losses of the business.
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Limited Liability Company: a corporate structure whereby the members of the company cannot be held personally liable for the company’s debts or liabilities. Limited liability companies are essentially hybrid entities that combine the characteristics of a corporation and a partnership or sole proprietorship.
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Corporation: (sometimes referred to as a C corporation) is an independent legal entity owned by shareholders. This means that the corporation itself, not the shareholders that own it, is held legally liable for the actions and debts the business incurs.
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S-corp: is a special type of corporation created by an IRS tax election. An eligible domestic corporation can avoid double taxation (once to the corporation and again to the shareholders) by electing to be treated as an S corporation.
I chose to go with an LLC. If you’re in NC (like me), it’s $125 to file. You can find more information on that
here. The annual fee in NC is $300.
Want to hold off on the legal filing?
If you decide to hold off on filing for the legal structure, you may want to consider at least reserving your business name. This will also help you ensure that no one else has registered the same business within the state. You can do that for $30
HERE if you’re in NC. Document titled: Application to Reserve Business Entity Name.
Apply for an EIN (Employer Identification Number)
You can do that
HERE. There’s no fee for this application!
Establish business banking
There are plenty of business banking options available. So many, in fact, it can feel overwhelming. But this is not something you’ll want to skip. It’s imperative that you keep your business banking separate from your personal banking for so many reasons. Choosing the right bank for your business boils down to finding one that offers the right combination of features, benefits and cost. Depending on the type of business you’re running, you might even find it best to work with a specialty merchant services provider.
I still have a lot to learn when it comes to running a business, especially because so much has changed since my time in the entrepreneurial world back in 2016. But this information is what I find myself sharing the most with friends when they come to me wanting to talk shop!
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